A Roman In London (from Tokyo)

The season is coming. You can see full of illuminations, hear famiiar music, anywhere on the street. I walk quickly, trying not to see or hear them.

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I hate Christmas, since it reminds me of the happiest time in my life, which I won't experience again. More correctly, I don't remember it clearly...human instinct eliminates your memory when it hurts you too much. I just remember that I was happy. And, it was cold. Too cold. There were lots of illuminations. I sang Christmas songs. That's all I can remember.

Foreign friends are amazed when I talk about Japanese Christmas. Most of Japanese people are not interested in religion, and Christmas is treated as the most romantic and biggest event for lovers. A young man or woman who spends Christmas with his or her family is called "loser". Not to be treated as a poor, miserable person, you have to find a lover before Christmas.

Do you think I'm joking? Here are feature articles of magazines for young people these days. "How to get a boyfriend before Christmas--you have 10 weeks left!" "Effective dress to vamp him on the Christmas date" "Skin care to make you look most beautiful on Christmas" "The last chance to find the one before Christmas"....etc.etc...

As you can imagine, lots of people find "the one" just before Christmas and then break up in a couple of days. The most important thing for them is whether they can join their friends or not, when they are talking about their special, romantic Christmas date. Women tend to make a fuss about it than men. If you are lucky to have a girlfriend and if you tell her that you won't spend Christmas with her, she would kill you. An expensive present is also important to satisfy her.

On the other hand, there of course are couples in serious love. For them, spending Christmas together is a ritual to reassure their deep, serious love. The ritual is so important that a girl can fly to a foreign country to do it.

Both of us were at a loss when the coach reached New York on Christmas Eve. We had expected crowded and exciting streets like Japanese ones on Christmas Eve. However, shops were about to close and few people were walking. We realised that American Christmas is different to ours. We started to laugh. It was cold, too cold, but I was happy.

Christmas songs I hear on the street are exactly the same as two years ago. The different thing is I don't sing it any longer.

Guys, thanks for all of your messages and comments...I'm alive, but just don't have time to update this weblog. In addition to my bloody research, the new part time job at the weekend just makes me mad. If I were English, I would say some swear word...but one of my teachers in London has forbidden me to use swear words. Jesus Christ!

Although the main reason why I started the new part time job is to make money for a short trip to London, I've decided not to go there for some reason. Now I don't know what I work hard for...

By the way, do you know an American TV programme called "Joe Millionaire"(FOX TV series)? I happend to see the last story by Cable TV and actually shed tears. I thought about lots of things...

I registered myself as a member of staff at a company which sends a parttime waitress to hotel parties. At the weekend, the company tells me which hotel to work for, and I go to the hotel's party to serve guests drinks. I worked on Friday and Saturday, and it was not so boring. It was actually interesting to wear uniform of a hotel and work at gorgeous parties. I was supposed to work today also, but the company told me yesterday that they couldn't prepare a job for me today.(As I'm a beginner, I can't work for a difficult party.) Since I was so tired and wanted to be relaxed, I was happy to get a holiday. In the morning, I couldn't move from my bed, and I was watching FOX all day long. I found the program very good for listening practice.

When I was watching a program about Michael Jackson, the phone rang.

"moshi moshi?("hello" in Japanese.)"

Silence for a while. I was about to ring off, and somebody spoke.

"Hello."
"Hello...(English? I know this voice, but I don't know who it is...)"
"It's Kevin."
"...Kevin!...How are you doing?"

I was really surprised and at a loss about what to say. Michael Jackson was still singing in my mind. Kevin asked me about my Tokyo life and how I spent the weekend, but I couldn't talk well. In fact, I'm just busy and tired these days, and this kind of negative things are not suitable for a very rare international phone call with a man in London. Seems he wanted to know if I'm going out with someone or not and I answered that indirectly. It was stupid of me to have made it clear that I'm alone now, since a man tends to be attracted to a woman who has a secret.

The only good thing was that I didn't tell him that I had a dream of him a couple of days ago, which I was about to tell him. The dream was vivid. Kevin came to Japan and I took him to some nice places in Tokyo. As I was so happy in the dream, I almost cried when I realised that it was just a dream. At the same time, I couldn't understand myself. He hadn't mailed me for two weeks and I was thinking that I'd forgotten about him. The dream might have suggested something, but I didn't want to think about it.

However, the phone call inevitably made me think about it, about this strange relationship. Just after the very short phone call, I thought I didn't love him any longer. But now I'm feeling very sorry that I couldn't talk well. I'm wondering if he got fed up with me today, because our conversation was without a doubt awkward. It is a bit strange because when I was with him in London, we talked a lot about various things everyday. Talking by phone seems to be very different and I want to talk to him in person.

If the company had given me a job today as I'd requested, I wouldn't have gotten the phone. I don't know if it was lucky or unlucky.

In order to recover from the "mental fatigue", I decided not to think about my thesis at all and do something different today. I called one of my best friends, MK, and asked him if he was off today or not(He works for a private school as a part time teacher). Luckily, he was off today.

I saw him for the first time in almost two months. The first words of him today were "So, you've worked hard on a diet, huh? You lost weight." "Can you tell?" "Absolutely." That's why I like him. We talked a lot at a small cafe. He is one of my friends who I met at a science event when I was a high school student. A famous mathematician gathers fifty high school students who are good at mathematics from all over Japan every summer, and the students spend a week together to talk about mathematics and science.(Although I was not as good at mathematics as other members, somehow I joined the event.) As I was the youngest participant, other members treated me like a younger sister. Since some of us entered a college in Tokyo, we've been good friends for a long time. Actually, MK and I have been friends for eight years. As I'm not getting on well with my younger sister, who used to be my best friend, these days, I feel most relaxed when I'm with MK. Both of us like Karaoke and we often sing together.

In London, I explained Japanese Karaoke to some British people since it is very different from British one(I saw a karaoke set at some pubs.). In Japan, you can see lots of buildings called "karaoke box", which have lots of small rooms. Each room has a karaoke set and one room is for one group. In the entrance of the building, a group(usually from two to ten members) keep a room and pay money(about three pounds per hour for each person). In the room, members take turns singing. Today we kept a room for two hours and enjoyed singing a lot.

Enjoying singing with a good friend was much more effecive against the "mental fatigue" than any other medicine, I suppose. As I've recovered from the terrible conditon, I'm sure I can restart my thesis tomorrow.

I'm feeling very bad these days...feeling drowsy all the time, having a headache, and I feel faint when I think about something difficult. I couldn't even wake up yesterday and cancelled some appointments. Today I was in bed, couldn't wake up again, and wondered whether I would cancel today's English lesson or not. However, I wanted to see my teacher, Mike, so I managed to wake up and headed for his office. During the lesson, I felt that my English was worse than usual.

After the lesson, I rushed into a hospital near my house. The doctor said my sickness was not a cold but mental fatigue. "Did you do anything which made you tired?" thd doctor asked me, "you seem to be very tired." "I'm working hard with my thesis these days, and I don't like my research, actually." "That could be the reason, then."

I felt depressed. To graduate, I have to write more than 70pages, but I've written only 10 or something. I'm getting tired of it already and even have some physical problems.

On my way home, I received an e-mail from one of my female friends, who I avoid seeing these days. The reason why I avoid her is apparent if you see her e-mails.

"I started to go out with the guy I'd been keeping. He is just fantastic! I thank my ex, who dumped me☆"

"Congratulations. But you said you would never go out with the guy, since you've been with your ex for a year, asking him to go out with you again, right? Your ex must be shocked."

"That's true♪ To tell the truth, he finally said "yes" one week ago, and I was satisfied with that, which made me start something new."

Although it's usual for her to say such kind of thing, and I might have done the similar thing before, I lost words. If I were a man, I would never even talk to this girl. And as a woman...I don't want to keep a relationship with her any more. In Japan, there is a proverb which has the same meaning of "Birds of a feather flock together." in English. When I was enjoying love affairs like a game, I liked talking about them with her. However, as a woman trying to be independent, I won't do that again. I feel that my feather is being changed.

It's getting colder these days...I went to bed and felt that it was a bit cold in bed. At the moment, I remembered that when I was living with my ex-fiance, he often complained about the bed especially in winter. We slept in a single bed together, and he wanted to sleep on a floor alone for some reasons. As he was a hard worker, he didn't sleep more than 6 hours and studied almost all the rest of the day. He claimed that he could sleep more warmly and comfortably alone, but I didn't let him do that. I was crazy at the time and just wanted to be with him as much as possible. 'I should have realised that he was tired and wanted to relax alone. He must have endured lots of things when he was with me...I was selfish...it was natural that he wanted to separate from me...'

I started to think about what I used to think about again and again. The first thing I did after we broke up was regretting my attitude to him. When he was with me, I often refused to let him do what he wanted to do because I loved him too much. Now that I've returned to normal, I can understand how foolish I was. I started to shed tears thinking about him, for the first time in several months. It was then that I realised that I still hadn't recovered from the trauma, which surprised me as I was feeling that I was very happy at the time.

The real reason why I avoid having a serious relationship with someone might be because I don't want to have that shock again. Also, I fully know how bad I was at the time...I couldn't do anything by myself, I depended on him completely. Now, everyone says that he or she can't imagine that I used to be the kind of woman. I can say I'm independent now and am satisfied with that. This makes me afraid of falling in love with someone and repeating the same mistake again. I would choose being alone rather than being depend on someone again. The best thing of course is having a serious relationship as an independent woman, but I'm not quite sure whether I'm ready for that or not. Anyway, there is no hurry about having a boyfriend, so I'm going to enjoy alone and get ready for a "proper" romance.

I had a very strange experience last Sunday. In Japan, some people say that there are special people who have a chemical substance called "pheromone", which attracts people of the opposite sex. I was sceptical about that, but I actually felt the effect of a pheromone.

I saw some of my future colleagues on the day. When I knew that we were going to see each other, somehow I remembered one of the colleagues, who I talked a little last time. To be honest, I didn't think he was attractive at the time, but I wondered if he was coming or not. At the meeting point, I found he wasn't there. I asked someone if he was coming or not casually, and he said "no".

After drinking, I was returning home with one of them, who was taking the same line as mine, but we dropped by a bar in Shibuya to talk more. We talked about our future company and colleagues.

"N didn't come today.", I said. "Yeah, I really wanted to see him...well, why don't we go to his house now? I call him." "But, is it OK for him to..." "He likes to drink in his house. Don't worry." He called N and they decided to drink in his house. We bought some drinks and went to his house.

I was surprised to know it was a very small, old flat, but happy to see him. He is not good-looking, doesn't have money, not good at school record. I didn't talk to him so much. However, I felt some attractive power from him and tried hard resisting it. He is far from my type, but I felt uneasy with him and couldn't see his face. It was not only me who felt the power. There were lots of gift boxes in his room, and he said they were presents from stalkers. He doesn't want to use them but can't through away them. He asked me if I wanted to take some of them, but I declined with thanks.

Next morning, I got back with my friend who took me to N's house. "What was that? He is not my type, and I've decided not to fall in love with anyone. But I felt some irresistible power, and..." "I know. Even a man feels something from him, let alone a woman. Do you know that a famous model asked him to go out with her, shedding tears?" "My God." "Do you fancy him, then? So, when I see him next time, I'll call you..." "Hold on! I don't want to approach him any more. You know, I've decided not to love anyone seriously in order to make my feelings stable, but he is the one who will make me crazy." "I understand. Also, he is your future colleague. It is not good to have a trouble now, yeah?" "You're right."

It was a very strange experience. I thought a pheromone actually works.